I've always heard that the greatest gifts come in the smallest of
packages. From the day I found out that I was pregnant with you,
I knew it was true. The pure joy that I felt when you would kick
and move inside my swelling belly was indescribable. Even though
your daddy and I are very young, we were more than excited at the
thought of becoming your parents.
I remember seeing you for the first time on the ultrasound and
hearing your strong healthy heartbeat. Sheer happiness ran through
my mind and body. You were all that mattered to me and your daddy
from that moment on.
I had always expected that you were a boy. Therefore, you were
called Caleb rather than just "Baby." We finally found out for
sure that you were a boy, a mere week before you died. It seemed
to me as though every move you made that whole week was a God send.
The day you were born, September 17, 1998 at 10:50AM, you lived,
they say, for fifteen to twenty minutes. I was under anesthetics
and never got to see you alive. After I awoke, the doctors let me
and the family hold you for a long while. You were the most
beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen. You looked just like
your daddy. You were so very tiny and fragile, but everything was
there. Your precious little hands, feet, fingers, toes, knuckles,
knees, elbows, nostrils, ears, hair, nails, and even that tiny
bump thing on your upper lip were all in tact. I guess you just
weren't strong enough to survive outside of me yet. I am so sorry
that I couldn't help you. I would give anything to make you alive
Sometimes I think I feel you move inside my empty belly. I imagine
that while I was holding you, you took a deep breath or let out a
loud cry. I wish that this was all a bad dream. I realize, however,
that you are really gone. My first-born baby boy stolen from me as
quickly as you were given. For as long as I live and no matter how
many other children I bear, I will never forget you and no one will
ever begin to take your place.
I know that you are in Heaven now and your grandpa is taking good
care of you for me. But it still hurts unlike any pain I've ever
experienced. I miss you more that humanly possible. And I love you
more than any words in a letter could ever begin to describe.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS,